There are two thoughts I want to challenge. First, I want to challenge our use of burdens. Second, I want to challenge our sense of ownership.
As human beings, we all have needs we feel compelled to meet. These needs, whatever they may be, are present whether we like it or not. We usually do not get to choose what we need, though there are some pretty compelling exceptions as some needs are the consequences of our own choices. While our needs may feel burdensome, they are our own burdens to bear.
Everything else is a choice. From how we choose to interact with the world, to what we choose to own, and to who we choose to include in our lives. We make choices unless or until our choices are stripped away.
I grew up in a world that treated me like property. If a doctor wanted to touch my body, he invariably asked my parents. The better practitioners would warn me before doing something, but I wasn’t actually consulted as a valid decision-maker. At school, I was a little more independent as long as nothing went wrong. If my behavior did not perform to prescribed guidelines, my parents would be consulted. The only way for me to leave their custody would be to ask them to be declared unfit, in which case I would either go to family or into the foster care system. I was not a valid person and I was not treated like a valid person.
As my children grew up, things shifted. It became normal for medical practitioners to speak to their patients as people. It became more normal for school staff to treat their students like people. But children are still regarded as property — whether they ought to be the property of their parents or of their “village” is in some dispute.
I find the idea of “owning” people in any format unbearable. Human traffickers do NOT really own their slaves. Communities do NOT really own their members. Parents do NOT really own their kids. People own themselves. Everything else is just wrong.
Nevertheless, there are people who need guardianship, custodianship, or both. There are people, including children, who cannot and should not be expected to navigate the systems of this world without assistance. Healthy family units, regardless of their configuration, are an essential part of childhood development and are proven beneficial throughout a person’s lifetime regardless of their impairments. Families are invaluable!
But familial relationships need not be dictatorships to function effectively. Children need to learn autonomy, which means they have to practice autonomy, which means they need to have a say in what happens to their bodies.
I find balance in the idea of stewardship. A steward respects the autonomy of the owner, but provides care in the owner’s absence — or, as the case may be, in the absence of the owner’s development. The mentality of a steward is different than that of an owner and think this difference is essential to how we treat our fellow human beings.
I extend this idea further when I consider the duties I perform as a steward. There are many more demands on my time than I could ever actual schedule into a given day. I suspect the same is true for anyone even mildly involved with more than a handful of people. If you are willing to give your time away, there is always somebody who’s going to want to take it.
As a finite being with a finite compacity, I must choose which of the many demands I am actually willing to satisfy. These are the commissions I accept as a steward. I choose my commissions and I reserve the right to change my mind with regard to how much of myself, if anything, I am willing to offer.
I suspect the more we acknowledge that we are making choices about how we are willing to live every day the more empowered we will become to make the choices that benefit us the most with the least undesirable costs. Put down your burdens. Acknowledge your needs. Meet them as best you can. Then, choose the commissions that fulfill you best as you are right now.
Stephanie Allen Crist 